My partner and I want to live in different countries. What should we do?
One of the most challenging conflicts an international couple can face is the desire to live in different countries. Whether you're both expatriates longing for your respective home countries, or one partner wants to relocate while the other prefers to stay put, geographic disagreement can feel like an insurmountable obstacle.
The good news is that while this conflict is complex, it's not unsolvable. This guide explores practical strategies to help you navigate one of the most significant decisions in your relationship.
Understanding Why Geographic Conflict Is So Hard
Before diving into solutions, it's important to understand why choosing where to live feels so emotionally charged. Unlike disagreements about career moves or lifestyle preferences, geographic conflict touches on multiple core aspects of identity and wellbeing:
Cultural Identity: For many people, living in their home country provides a sense of cultural belonging and authenticity that's difficult to replicate elsewhere.
Family Connections: The desire to be near aging parents, siblings, or extended family often intensifies as life circumstances change.
Career Opportunities: Professional prospects, licensing requirements, or industry presence may differ significantly between countries.
Personal Comfort and Belonging: Feeling "at home" encompasses language fluency, cultural understanding, social networks, and the subtle sense of belonging that comes from living somewhere you deeply know.
Life Stage Needs: Desires around starting a family, retirement planning, healthcare access, or educational systems for children all influence where we want to live.
When both partners have legitimate, deeply-felt needs pointing toward different countries, it can feel like someone must sacrifice their entire vision for their life. This all-or-nothing framing intensifies the conflict and can lead to resentment, anxiety, and relationship strain.
Common Scenarios
Geographic disagreements manifest in various relationship contexts. Understanding your specific scenario can help you identify the most relevant strategies:
The Dual Expat Dilemma
You met as expatriates in a third country, but now you both long to return to your respective home countries. You've built your relationship in neutral territory, but neither feels at home where you currently live. This scenario is particularly challenging because both partners have equal claims to wanting "home."
The Trailing Spouse's Crossroads
One partner relocated for the other's career or personal reasons, but after years abroad, they're ready to return home. Meanwhile, the other partner has adapted well and wants to stay. The accompanying partner may feel they've "done their time" and deserve their turn to choose location.
The Local-International Couple
One partner is a local citizen while the other is an expatriate. The expat is homesick or struggles with integration, while the local partner is deeply rooted in their country through family, career, and identity. This dynamic can create power imbalances around whose needs take precedence.
The Changing Priorities Conflict
You agreed to live in one country, but life circumstances have changed (for examples, aging parents need care, career opportunities shifted, or having children altered your priorities). What felt right years ago no longer serves your family's needs, but moving would require significant sacrifice from one partner.
Moving Beyond Win-Lose Thinking
In couples therapy for international relationships, the first critical step is reframing the conflict from a win-lose scenario into a complex problem-solving challenge. This shift is essential because:
It validates both partners' needs as legitimate rather than competing
It opens space for creative solutions beyond binary choices
It prevents the dynamic where one partner becomes the "villain" blocking the other's happiness
It focuses energy on collaborative exploration rather than defensive argumentation
This reframing doesn't minimise the very real difficulty of the situation, but it creates psychological space for both partners to approach the problem as a team rather than adversaries.
How Real Couples Navigate This Challenge
Drawing from my work with expatriate couples, here are some approaches that have worked for real partnerships:
The Seasonal Split
Sarah and Marco spent summers in Italy near Marco's family and winters in Canada near Sarah's aging parents. This solution required flexible remote work arrangements but allowed both to maintain crucial family connections. They viewed themselves as having two homes rather than choosing one.
The Five-Year Plan
Jennifer and Yuki agreed to live in Japan for five years while Yuki's career was in a critical growth phase, with a commitment to then relocate to the United States. Having a clear timeline helped Jennifer endure difficult aspects of expat life, while Yuki felt less guilt knowing Jennifer's sacrifice was time-limited.
The Strategic Visits Approach
After deciding to remain in Australia (Tom's home country), Mei and Tom committed to six weeks annually in Taiwan with Mei's family. They also invited Mei’s parents to come to Australia for extended visits twice per year, and created traditions that honoured Taiwanese culture in their daily Australian life. While not perfect, these efforts helped Mei feel less disconnected from her roots.
When One Partner Must Compromise: Minimizing Resentment
Sometimes, despite best efforts, one partner's geographic preference must take priority - perhaps due to immigration constraints, career licenses that don't transfer, or critical family health needs. When this happens, how can you prevent corrosive resentment?
Explicitly Acknowledge the Sacrifice
The partner whose country "wins" must explicitly recognize and appreciate the other's sacrifice, not minimize it. "You'll learn to love it here" or "It's not that bad" invalidate legitimate feelings. Instead: "I know how much you're giving up. I see it, and I'm grateful, and I want to support you through this."
Create Arrangements
Make concrete commitments that honor the sacrificing partner's needs:
Regular extended visits to their home country
Financial support for family visits
Cultural community involvement in your current location
Career support and development opportunities
Therapy or coaching to process the adjustment
Reassess
Avoid "forever" commitments. Instead, agree to reassess the arrangement at defined intervals. Knowing the decision isn't permanent can make it more bearable. Perhaps you'll live in Country A while raising children, then relocate to Country B for retirement. Having a future-focused plan provides hope.
Red Flags: When Geographic Conflict Signals Deeper Issues
Sometimes, an intractable geographic disagreement is actually a symptom of deeper relationship problems. Consider whether these dynamics are present:
Power imbalances where one partner's needs consistently override the other's
Avoidance of intimacy or commitment issues manifesting as geographic disagreement
Unresolved resentments from past relocations or sacrifices
Fundamental incompatibility in life visions and values
Unwillingness to consider the partner's perspective or compromise in any way
If you recognize these patterns, couples therapy should address the underlying relationship dynamics, not just the geographic question. Sometimes, resolving deeper issues makes the location decision clearer or easier.
Moving Forward
Geographic conflict in relationships is among the most challenging issues couples face because it intertwines so many aspects of identity, family, career, and belonging. There's rarely a perfect solution, but there are approaches that honor both partners' needs, preserve relationship integrity, and create pathways forward.
The key is approaching this challenge as partners rather than adversaries - as two people who love each other trying to solve a genuinely difficult problem together. With creativity, flexibility, emotional honesty, and often professional support, many couples find solutions that, while imperfect, allow both people to live with integrity and the relationship to flourish.
Whether your solution involves compromise, creative arrangements, or the difficult acceptance of incompatibility, approaching this decision with compassion for yourself, your partner, and the relationship itself is what matters most.
If you need support working through decisions on where to live individually or as a couple, Expatriate Therapy offers a free 20 minute connection call for all new clients.
About the Author:
Corene Crossin is a licensed therapist specializing in expatriate relationships and cross-cultural couples. With 9 years of experience helping international couples navigate complex decisions, she provides online couples therapy for partners facing geographic conflicts, cultural adjustment challenges, and the unique stressors of international life. She is the author of The Choice, a book for people who have moved abroad for love.
