I gave up my career to move abroad with my partner. Why do I feel like I have lost myself?
If you have given up your career to move abroad with your partner and now feel like you have lost yourself, you are not alone.
You might have planned your move abroad as a shared adventure. Then you arrive, and the reality hits. Your partner has a clear role, a team, a sense of direction. You have a residence permit and a lot of unstructured time. The salary covers both of you, yet your own as professional identity seems to vanish at the airport.
In this article we will look at why this hurts, what it means for your sense of self, and what support can look like.
As I explore in my book The Relocated Self, the loss of career is a common reasons expat partners (trailing spouses) seek support. Career interruption is not only a practical change, it touches your sense of worth, independence and future. Let us look at what is really happening here and how you can navigate it with more compassion for yourself.
Why Career Interruption Hurts So Much
Work does more than pay the bills. It often provides:
Structure and routine
Social contact
Status and recognition
A sense of impact and competence
When you leave that behind, especially if you were ambitious or very engaged in your field, the loss can feel similar to bereavement. You lose colleagues, identity, daily rhythm and a clear narrative about who you are.
Abroad you might also face legal and practical barriers. Work permits, language requirements, local hiring practices and informal networks can all make restarting a career difficult. Being financially supported can create an extra layer of guilt, since your distress seems hard to justify on the surface.
Common Emotional Reactions
My clients in this situation often describe:
Shame about “having nothing to say” when people ask what they do
Fear that their skills will go stale
Envy of their partner’s continued progression
Confusion about what they want, since the old path no longer fits the new life
Pressure to fill their days with something impressive, very quickly
These reactions are understandable. They show that your career was tied to your sense of identity and contribution. Psychotherapy and counselling with Expatriate Therapy does not try to talk you out of that. Instead it helps you examine it with curiosity.
How Therapy Can Support Identity And Career Questions
When you work with Expatriate Therapy, you will be supported by a therapist who understands expat life and trailing spouse experiences to help you:
Grieve the role you left behind, instead of pretending it never mattered.
Explore how much of your identity has been attached to work, and where else your strengths and values live.
Look honestly at your options in this country, whether that is remote work, local employment, study, volunteering or a creative project.
Untangle your own wishes from external expectations, such as company culture or social circles.
For many expat partners (trailing spouses), this is a chance to redesign their working life in a more intentional way, even if that takes time. It is not about rushing to plug the gap. It is about building something that actually suits this stage of your international life.
Expat therapy can help you work through expat partner identity loss, career questions, and relationship tensions so you feel more grounded and purposeful again.
If you are feeling unmoored after leaving your career for an international move you can book a free 20 minute connection call to talk about your situation, ask questions and see whether online individual therapy for expat partners feels right for you.
