Why has our relationship become so tense since we moved abroad?
Many couples imagine that moving overseas will refresh their relationship. New city. Shared adventure. More travel. Sometimes that happens. Often though, the move exposes differences that were easier to ignore at home. One partner dives into work and networks. The other feels lonely and overwhelmed. Old disagreements take on new intensity in a foreign environment.
You may find yourself thinking, ‘We were fine before we moved. Why are we fighting so much now?’
If this is happening for you, there is nothing wrong with your relationship for struggling. This is a common pattern I see in expat couples therapy. As I explain in my book The Relocated Self, you are both dealing with multiple stressors at once.
How Expat Life Puts Pressure On Couples
Several common forces affect expat couples. For example:
Role changes
The move can changes who earns money, who handles domestic work, who manages children’s adjustment and who keeps in touch with family back home. If these changes in roles are not discussed openly, they can feel imposed rather than chosen.
Isolation
Without extended family and long term friends nearby, couples have fewer outlets. Arguments that might have been softened by other relationships can become more intense.
Different attachment and coping styles
One partner might want to talk, the other might withdraw. One might throw themselves into social life, the other might need quiet. In a familiar environment these differences may be manageable. But when living abroad, different coping styles can become a frequent source of tension.
If you and your partner are struggling with tension, conflict and communication problems, couples therapy may help.
Is expat couples therapy right for us?
Couples therapy for expatriates usually combines standard relationship work with attention to the specific impact of relocation. You might explore:
How the move has changed each person’s daily life, not only in theory but in felt experience.
What each of you is grieving, such as family, friends or career.
How you each cope with stress, and how those styles interact.
How to share practical responsibilities in a way that feels fair, given the current situation.
How to keep your connection alive when one or both of you are exhausted or stretched.
You are encouraged to speak honestly, without blaming. The therapist helps translate between you when it feels like you are living in two different realities.
An Example Of A New Conversation
A typical shift in therapy might look like this. Instead of “You are never here, you only care about work”, the trailing partner might say “When you are late or distracted, I feel invisible and abandoned in a place where I have no one else. I need more signs that I matter as much as your role.”
The working partner might move from “You do not understand how much pressure I am under” to “When I come home and meet anger, I feel like nothing I do is enough. I need acknowledgement for what I am carrying, and I also want us to find ways to share the load differently.”
From there you can discuss concrete changes, such as regular connection time, clearer boundaries around work, or more support for the partner at home.
When To Seek Help
Consider expat couples therapy if you notice:
The same arguments repeating without resolution
Growing distance or contempt
Fantasies about leaving, even if you do not want to act on them
A sense that you are living parallel lives under one roof
Support at this stage can prevent deeper damage and help you remember why you chose each other in the first place.
If you are an expat couple noticing more conflict, distance, or tension since your move, specialised expat couples therapy can help you understand what is happening and work together again.
If your relationship feels strained since moving abroad and you would like a neutral place to talk together, you can book a free 20 minute connection call. We can explore what is happening between you, how online couples therapy works and whether it might support both of you at this stage. If couples therapy is not right for you, we can also see whether individual therapy can help.
Explore other articles:
Expat Relationships: Common Problems and How to Work Through Them
How do I support my child through an international move?
I moved abroad for my partner and now I feel lost. Can therapy help?
