Should I stay or leave? A guide for expats deciding where to live.

Many expats reach a point where the main question is not about work, schools, or housing, but about whether to stay at all. You might be checking contracts, scrolling property listings at home, or replaying conversations with your partner about moving back.

These decisions are rarely simple. Money, visas, children, parents, health, and identity are all involved. It can be hard to tell which thoughts are fear, which are grief, and which are a genuine signal that something important needs to change.

Why this decision feels so loaded

Deciding where to live as an expat is not the same as choosing a new neighbourhood across town. Several layers sit underneath the question.

You may feel pulled between different versions of yourself. There is the you who lives abroad now, with whatever that brings. There is the you who once lived in your home country. There might also be a future you in a third place you have not yet tried.

You may also feel responsible for other people’s wellbeing. Partners, children, parents, and sometimes employers are all affected by what you decide. That can create pressure to sacrifice your own needs, or to bend yourself around what you think others want.

There is also the simple reality of how much you have already given to your current life. You have invested time, money, energy, language learning, and social effort. Leaving can feel like throwing that work away. Staying can feel like turning away from other important parts of your life.

Patterns that can cloud stay or leave decisions

When people sit with this kind of decision, certain patterns often appear.

Deciding from burnout
If you are exhausted, lonely, or overstretched, almost anywhere might look better than where you are now. Leaving might be the right choice, but it is hard to see clearly while running on empty.

• Idealising home or the host country
  From far away, home can look perfect. From a place of frustration, the host country can look all bad. Neither picture is accurate. Both can pull you toward quick decisions that do not take the full reality into account.

• Ignoring your own needs as the accompanying partner
  Accompanying partners often feel they should support the main earner’s role or follow what seems best for the children. Their own work, health, and identity needs fall to the side. Over time, this creates resentment that shows up as “I want to move” without a clear story behind it.

• Avoiding the conversation
  Some couples dance around the topic for months or years. One person drops hints about going home. The other changes the subject or answers with practical reasons why a move is impossible. Tension builds without a clear, shared picture of what each person is carrying.

Questions that can help you think more clearly

There is no set list of questions that solves this, but a few can open up more thoughtful reflection.

What do I value most in daily life right now?
Think about the small, ordinary parts of a day that matter to you. Emotional safety, autonomy, connection, time outdoors, meaningful work, or a sense of belonging. Where do you experience these now.?Where do you miss them?

Whose voice is loudest in my head?
Notice whether you are hearing a parent, a manager, a friend, or a societal expectation more than your own view. Naming this can help you separate external pressure from internal preference.

What would “good enough” look like in the next few years?
Perfection is impossible. Ask what a good enough arrangement would be in the next stage of life, given everyone’s needs and constraints. This can be very different from what you once imagined.

You do not need to answer every question in one sitting. The aim is to move from vague rumination to more concrete reflection.

Talking about leaving vs staying as a couple

If you are in a relationship, it is very unlikely you will land on a shared decision without talking openly. That can feel risky, especially if you suspect you want different things.

A few ideas can make these conversations more manageable.

• Set aside time
  Choose a specific time to talk, rather than raising the topic when one of you is rushing or tired. You might start by agreeing that this is an ongoing conversation, not a single high stakes meeting.

• Name your feelings and your constraints
  Each person can share what they are feeling about staying or leaving, and what practical constraints they carry. Job security, school stability, elder care, health, and visas are all real. Try to put them on the table without using them as weapons.

• Listen for what matters underneath each position
  If one person wants to leave, what are they longing for or trying to move away from. If one person wants to stay, what do they fear losing. Often the deeper values are not directly about geography.

• Consider whether a third person would help
  If conversations go in circles or turn quickly into conflict, it might help to involve a therapist. They can hold the structure so you both feel heard and so the topic does not keep spilling into every interaction.

When it may help to speak with a therapist

You do not need to be in crisis to seek support with a decision like this. Therapy can help if:

• you feel stuck between options and cannot see a path that respects you and the people you care about
• you and your partner want different things and do not know how to move forward
• old patterns of guilt, responsibility, or self sacrifice are taking over the discussion
• your mental health is suffering while you try to work this out on your own

Talking with a therapist who understands expat life can help you separate your history from the current situation, identify what matters most to you now, and think about the decision in a more grounded way.

If you would like support thinking through a big decision about where to live, you can read more about individual therapy or couples  counselling, or book a free 20 minute connection call.

Explore other articles:

Understanding Trailing Spouse Syndrome

Why Moving Abroad Strains Relationships (and What to Do)

About Expatriate Therapy

Expatriate Therapy specialises in supporting individuals and couples navigating the unique psychological challenges of international relocation. With specialised training in expat mental health and personal experience expat life, I provide evidence-based therapy for trailing spouses, expat couples, and globally mobile professionals. Learn more about me here.